the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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