Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
