did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
