i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
