You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
