Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
