i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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