Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
