Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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