i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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