If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
