In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
two words: eviction party
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
