you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
