So drunk its hurt
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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