So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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