So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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