her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
