i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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