Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
