i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
