70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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