theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
