never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
