last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
she looked like the before picture.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
