and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You're like the curious george of whores
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
