just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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