I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
