so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
