you have to choose: penises or morals?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
