Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
