Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
