When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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