I could make wine with my vomit
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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