I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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