everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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