her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize