I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
