I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
