My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
