if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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