I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
