I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
