I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
