I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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