Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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