so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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