My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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