"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
