So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
