I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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