My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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