you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
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