I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
