The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
