The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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