It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
