if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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