It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
